I wouldn't really call myself the poster child for niceness. I can be mean and say things without thinking, and that's one of the biggest things I have to work on. Sometimes people call me out on it in a kind, Christian way (ususally, people at church). And sometimes, people can be really mean about it. And since I am admittedly not the most loveable person, I'm a good candidate for gossip.
I am not saying everyone dislikes me, I have lots of friends who have accepted my prickly, cactus-y self, and I'm grateful to God for that.
When people say I'm weird or creepy or mean, it really stresses me out. I tend to do embarrassing things that only make it worse, and I just can't think clearly. Amidst all of my stress and the chaos and self-hate in my mind, I completely forget about God. The question, "Is this the Christian way to handle this?" rarely crosses my mind. I think this is a common problem.
I oftentimes turn to television and Internet to get my mind off things. It tends to work, but afterwards I feel even emptier. I joke about my laziness and love of Netflix, but to be honest it's worrisome. I'm not good at dealing with drama - middle school is the first time I've really had any. And it's weird. And I hate it. I also hate the fact that I always make things worse for myself.
How do you deal with it? Well, how did Jesus deal with it? It's easy to ignore this question because, after all, we are nthing like Jesus. He was sinless. He did nothing to deserve his treatment. But that doesn't matter. It's cheesy to use WWJD, but so helpful. One of my favorite things to remember in hard times is that from this very second on you can either make things better, or you can make them worse. You can pray, read passages from the Bible to help you, and ask God for strength. You can apologize if you have done wrong, or if you are the victim, you can forgive them.
What you shouldn't do is take it out on the perpetrator. It may temporarily improve your mood ("Hey! Why should I be sad and upset? He/she is a TOTAL JERK! I don't even care!"), but it is ungodly and will only end up hurting you. Another thing is to not wallow around in self-pity ("He/she is so mean. What did I ever do? I'm just never going to talk to anybody ever again. Everyone probably hates me, anyways. They won't miss me at all.") I am most guilty of this. I tend to resort to just ignoring people or shrinking away. I want people to come to me and apologize, but then again I don't, because I then realize my reason for being mad was so stupid and invalid, it's embarrassing.
Now it's time for a scenario! Say you accidentally said something mean and uncalled for that hurt your friend's feelings. You didn't mean it, they were just a little sensitive and you didn't realize. You were incredibly sorry. You immediately apologize, and your friend forgives you. You guys are good. Yay! But your friend's best friend doesn't forgive you. She starts spreading rumors about you, and how mean you are, when she barely knows you. And to make matters worse, she's popular. By the end of the day, you're sure the whole school hates you. What would you do?
Well, this situation happened to me, and I made both some good and bad descisions. After I heard about my friend's friend and what she was saying, I was so terrified. I cried, actually. I'd really never had someone hate me before. I was mostly quiet, I never got into drama. How did I deserve this?
In all my self-pity, I failed to notice a few things. I failed to notice the good friends who crowded around me when I was on the verge of tears, and asked my what they could do to help. I failed to notice that while a few people had obviously heard, most people that I saw didn't look like they had heard. Or maybe they did, and they just didn't care. It's easy to assume everyone's constantly analyzing you and thinking about you, but they probably aren't. If someone else did something embarrassing, you'd probably forget about it after a few minutes.
Anyways, back to the scenario. That night, I texted my friend's friend (let's call my friend "Rory", and we'll call my friend's friend "Emily") and apologized to her. To her! I couldn't believe I was doing it. But looking back, I was glad I did it. Emily responded, and said "Don't do it again, and we're good." Relief! If Emily said you were good, you were. I stll felt awkward about the whole thing, but it was at least over.
Fast foward a few months. Occasionally, Rory would mention the fact that Emily disliked me, and it bothered me so much. I decided go on her askfm account, and ask her a couple questions. Not mean ones, don't worry. I acually just asked if her and a popular boy were ever going to date. She responded (remember, askfm is anonymous) and seemed really nice. I'd also like to mention at this point that I don't hate Emily, I don't even really dislike her. I gues when you start off something like that it can only go down hill. Anyways, she asked who I was and I eventually did (in my own weird, awkward way, of course) and she said oh. Okay. Something like that. It was pretty much the end of that.
Abigail! Why did you do that? You only made things worse.
The next day, she saw me and asked about the little conversation. I said, awkwardly "Oh, haha, yeah. That was me."
She sort of laughed, uncomfortable (that's fair. I wasn't thinking clearly. It was SO awkward).
That's the end of it, so far. Rory later told me that Emily had told her about the conversation and how weird it was.
I'm sure I'm still not emily's favorite person. I'm sure that a few people more don't like me now. And I'm trying to be okay with that.
The only thing you can do when these things happen, it try to be better. If there's something you can work on yourself, do it. No matter what, God is always there. Always. He is always there loving you and wanting to help you become a better Christian and closer to Him.
I'm sorry for the long, long post, but I hope it helped!
Abigail <3
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